I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Randomize
