Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
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