i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
