Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
