The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
whose parrot is this?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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