So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
