i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
