I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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