It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
