god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
