I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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