I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
