i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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