And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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