I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
