he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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