My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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