I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
