if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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