This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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