I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
