Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
