He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
