At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
