the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
