My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Randomize
