So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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