There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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