My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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