i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Randomize
