I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
