Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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