I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
why didn't you poke me back
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Randomize
