Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
