I should be sponsored by Trojan
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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