Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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