So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
