That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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