I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Floor bacon is actually really good
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
