you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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