I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
