Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
