is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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