how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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