Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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