i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
