U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Randomize
