I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
