someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
