Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
