You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
PS: I just woke up from my shower
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
