i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
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