wrigley field is MILF paradise
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
