"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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